A Bookish Life Update

It's been a long time since my last life update, which is good. It means things have been so good and crazy, I haven't felt the urge to write one.

You may remember how these updates came out. They used to be my anxiety updates, but I changed it to life updates because my life is about more than my anxiety.

Still, every life update seems to come about when I either am or have been struggling with something. That said, here's the most recent life update.

While this isn't weird, it feels a little weird.

Usually, I miss my characters the same amount once I've finished their story.

And then there's Corey and Olivia from Nepenthe. It's my book that gives me all the feels. The book that makes me proud while breaking my heart because I want everyone to read this book the most out of all my books. It means so much to me.

So, so much.

You see, whenever I'm struggling with either the anxiety or depression side of things, I think about Corey and Olivia. Among the craziness, I think about this book. I think about what I wanted to accomplish with it, what readers have told me about the effect of it on them, and what this book means to me.

In a way, it's my own nepenthe.

Corey managed to crawl out of the hole when he was at his lowest. It was a slow crawl, but he made progress, little by little. He managed to see the speckles of light to push him forward, to keep trying, to hold onto to hope that things would be better one day, to know that he would one day simply be able to throw a football again.

While I love all my characters, especially those you'll be introduced to in December with Without a Doubt, I wish Corey and Olivia were real.

I miss them and think about them the most. These characters fuel me into hanging on and knowing I can survive whatever life hands me. They remind me that though we may not want seek help, doing so is highly beneficial.

If one book has my heart and soul within the pages, it's Nepenthe. When life is hard, one of the people I turn to are Corey and Olivia. (See why it feels weird?) I'll read the book and find a source of contentment from their accomplishments and their love. It always makes me feel better about whatever's going on.

So, basically, my life update is that I still struggle, but I'm still doing my best and doing well in the grand scheme of things. I guess I felt the need to share all of that about Nepenthe because I relate to Corey so much. We're both trying to keep making progress and keep pushing through the tough times because we know we can and we know it's worth the fight.

Day One of Triggers

I did a post a while back on a few triggers of mine. The triggers included silence around others, drive-thrus, pumping gas, and crowds. That post was done during a time when I had hardly no anxiety going on. I figured it's time for a more in-depth post about my triggers. This is to help others understand me and my anxiety more and as a mechanism for me to better know exactly what I'm scared of. Each day, I will go in-depth about a trigger of mine.

First, I thought it would be beneficial to see a generalized list of triggers that I found from The Reality of Anxiety, a blog I have become addicted to.

Play the What if Game and other negative self talk- Setting Ourselves up for Failure

Poor Self Esteem- thinking we're not worthy enough to be around others and be liked for who we are

Put too much pressure on ourselves to be "perfect" for others or not to have an attack

Focus on ourselves more than those around us

Eat poorly, drink a lot of caffeine

Do not exercise and or meditate regularly

Full Exposure to our phobias instead of baby steps

Do not get enough rest at night

Hold in our feelings

Do not focus on breathing deeply

All of the above are triggers that help set my anxiety in action. You'd be surprised at how often I've had to skip my caffeine love of energy drinks because it would cause me 3 days worth of anxiety. Let's get started, shall we?

School environment. As you may have noticed from my last two posts, school is an enormous trigger for me. Sometimes, I can't handle driving by one, much less going into one. Just yesterday, I felt sick to my stomach because I was in the parking lot of a local high school, waiting on my nephew. I feel like I could throw up just mentioning it! 


High school was unbearable, especially my last year. I missed three weeks in a row because I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed or move. Anyways, being in the school environment causes me to panic.


I start wondering if the students around me can hear the not always audible noises I'm making. The click of my pen, the scratch of my pencil on paper, the creak of my chair as my legs continue to bounce up and down and I continuously rearrange myself. All these noises and some that aren't really there are so loud in my head. My head starts pounding; my heart beats faster; my ears hurt; and I feel faint. All of those things begin happening at once with such intensity. 


I've always been the child to make good grades. The pressure I placed on myself to excel in school did not bode well with my anxiety. Especially when I took two AP classes at once. Never again will I take an AP class. 


Me+AP classes=tons upon tons of anxiety. 


I remember one day, I got my report card and had to keep myself from crying in class as I looked it over because I had a couple of C's. There's no telling how much stress I had over that. I finished with a 2.6 GPA. Before my anxiety started becoming so severe, it was a 3.7. I don't know how to explain how much that bothers me. A carefree Lindsay does not exist. No matter what I say, I care about my grades and that 2.6 is killing me on the inside. 


All this talk has left me exhausted. Hopefully, that's a good enough insight. :)

Anxiety, Orthostatic Intolerance, and I

I want to share with my readers more about myself. It seems apparent to me that the only place to start is with my anxiety and orthostatic intolerance. These two things have been a huge part of my life ever since I could remember way back in first grade. Am I implying that these two things have run my life? Certainly. Until now, that is. However, I will dive into that later.

You are probably wondering what orthostatic intolerance is. Well, it’s pretty common in teen girls. That sudden lightheadedness and dizzy sensation you feel when you step out of a hot shower? Momentarily clouded vision when you go from laying down to standing up too fast? That is a taste of what orthostatic intolerance is like. Orthostatic Intolerance is where my blood pressure drops, usually due to low sodium intake, and thus providing a lightheaded feeling. Occasionally, it leads to me fainting.