A Bookish Life Update

It's been a long time since my last life update, which is good. It means things have been so good and crazy, I haven't felt the urge to write one.

You may remember how these updates came out. They used to be my anxiety updates, but I changed it to life updates because my life is about more than my anxiety.

Still, every life update seems to come about when I either am or have been struggling with something. That said, here's the most recent life update.

While this isn't weird, it feels a little weird.

Usually, I miss my characters the same amount once I've finished their story.

And then there's Corey and Olivia from Nepenthe. It's my book that gives me all the feels. The book that makes me proud while breaking my heart because I want everyone to read this book the most out of all my books. It means so much to me.

So, so much.

You see, whenever I'm struggling with either the anxiety or depression side of things, I think about Corey and Olivia. Among the craziness, I think about this book. I think about what I wanted to accomplish with it, what readers have told me about the effect of it on them, and what this book means to me.

In a way, it's my own nepenthe.

Corey managed to crawl out of the hole when he was at his lowest. It was a slow crawl, but he made progress, little by little. He managed to see the speckles of light to push him forward, to keep trying, to hold onto to hope that things would be better one day, to know that he would one day simply be able to throw a football again.

While I love all my characters, especially those you'll be introduced to in December with Without a Doubt, I wish Corey and Olivia were real.

I miss them and think about them the most. These characters fuel me into hanging on and knowing I can survive whatever life hands me. They remind me that though we may not want seek help, doing so is highly beneficial.

If one book has my heart and soul within the pages, it's Nepenthe. When life is hard, one of the people I turn to are Corey and Olivia. (See why it feels weird?) I'll read the book and find a source of contentment from their accomplishments and their love. It always makes me feel better about whatever's going on.

So, basically, my life update is that I still struggle, but I'm still doing my best and doing well in the grand scheme of things. I guess I felt the need to share all of that about Nepenthe because I relate to Corey so much. We're both trying to keep making progress and keep pushing through the tough times because we know we can and we know it's worth the fight.

Life Update: Am I Fixed?

Reading is a form of therapy for me. My actual therapist agrees wholeheartedly about this. If I'm not writing and not reading, she gets concerned.

It's probably a form of therapy to you, too. I mean, isn't a point of reading to get lost in another reality separate from our own? We don't want to step away from emotions or troubles, but to step away from our emotions and troubles and reality.

As of today, I've read 22 books this year. That's a huge number for me, especially in a short amount of time. To me, that speaks volumes. There's been something in my reality that I've been desperately trying to escape. I still can't say what that is.

I've been in an all-around funk and it's been weird and sucky. It's been plaguing me for months. Like since Oct/Nov, whenever it was that I finished Nepenthe. It's almost like an I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-myself feeling. Or kind of like a I-have-no-desire/energy type of thing.

It annoys the hell out of me because things have been good. For the most part, I've felt great. But there's something not quite right in the mix of it all and the unknowing of what or why makes me more rattled than anything else.

Usually a reading-binge fixes me, fixes me emotionally and fixes my lack of desire to write. But this funk has been like a veil hanging over regular everyday stuff. We'll consider it luck that it's only truly affected my writing. It's mostly been with my solos because Mary and I have pretty much been writing machines with the exception of this past week. Still, I've felt off.

Reading hasn't helped. Or at least, not in the way I'm used to. My reading-binges consists of three-to-four days of reading every free chance I get. Priorities are tossed to the side unless it's an absolute must. I've been reading more and more lately. I've been trying to escape something I can't put my finger on to identify. That in and of itself is annoying because I like to know what's bugging me. How can I solve a problem if I don't know the problem?

For 22 books, I've been trying to "fix" myself. For the most part, I've been failing. The off feeling is still there when the book ends, which leads me to pick up another and another and another.

But I think I've finally ended my funk.

The other day, I was super excited because I was writing in a solo. I only wrote about 400 words, but it felt amazing because that invested/obsessed feeling was there again.

It left as quickly as it appeared.

So what did I do?

I read three books in three days. I closed off everything else in life and read.

And tonight? I feel FANTASTIC.

Finally.

I feel energized, happy, and ready to tackle all the projects I'm working on.

There's a chance it'll be gone by morning, but I'm feeling pretty optimistic. If not, I have bookcases and a Kindle full of books waiting to be read until something bends in my favor and I can work out my issue. This blog post started with the title of Am I Fixed? That's still up in the air for the long-term, but for the moment, I am. That's good enough for me.

Plenty of updates to go around

Let's kick this post off with a positive.

The next six months are going to be awesome and I can't wait! I want to spill the beans about everything, but a few of those things have to be kept secret, only to be told at the right time.

In my personal life, I have three exciting things happening in the coming months. I'll graduate with my Associates degree and will transfer to a university to continue with my Bachelors in January. And Mary and I are going on a writing retreat/birthday trip in February for my 21st birthday! We're going to be having a blast in Pittsburgh!

Writing-wise, I'm going to start with this crazy fact: between now and January 2015, I'll release SIX books. SIX! So, I sure hope y'all are ready for more. 

Of course, this month is Bracing the Blue Line. Then in October, it's Looking for You, book one in Mary & my new series. The other three Oh Captain, My Captain novels will release one-a-month until the fourth one in January. 

PLUS, my secret WIP *may* come out in January too. So yeah, hope y'all are ready for more because they're coming.

Speaking of that WIP...

How About A Life Update?

If you recall, I stopped calling them anxiety updates because that's not what my life is anymore. Today, I felt like it was time for a life update and it has been awhile since the last one, so here we go.

Yesterday, after mentioning it to my parents, I came to a decision. Since then, I've been thinking about it, and honestly, I'm a little nervous about it. Since March 2011, I've been seeing my therapist every two weeks (unless something came up). Still, I saw her consistently within a certain time frame.

My therapist mentioned earlier this year, I believe, that if I wanted, I could space my appointments further apart.

I almost had a panic attack on the spot. I laughed it off, shook my head, and said, "Not going to happen." Those four words have been a mantra of sorts since then. Anytime it's brought up, that's what I say. I wasn't ready, even if she thought I was. Or maybe, I should rephrase that. I was worried about changing how often I see her. This woman has been my lifeline a lot of times and there were too many what ifs in my mind, even though my anxiety has been nonexistent for about a year now.

Plus, I really enjoy my sessions.

But yesterday, I decided that when I see her next week, I'll tell her that I'll do it. I'll space them out more. How did I come to this conclusion?

A freaking budget.

Seriously.

There are three big things I want to do next year and while I manage my money pretty well, I need to get serious if I wanted to do those trips like I plan. So I was hashing out a budget and knew that one way I could save money was if I cracked down to one session a month. I was willing to consider it.

And I did. I thought of all the reasons that made me think that I could really do this.

-It is summer. I'm not in school. Cutting back will be okay. She's always an email away anyhow.
-I can always go back to a session every two weeks.
-I actually feel like I could handle it, or handle any situations that may arise, on my own.

That last one is the most important to me. When she mentioned it those months ago, my instinct was to say a big fat NO! It's taken some time and a little incentive, but I was able to reach this all on my own. It used to bother me a great deal when something would come up and cancel our appointment, pushing me off for another two weeks. I would worry about forgetting to mention something I wanted to discuss or worry about something else happening and me having a meltdown.

Now?

I'm okay if something comes up and I can't go. There aren't any second thoughts other than, "See you in two weeks!" That's a big step for me. I know I've posted before that I had really realized that I was in control, but that was always followed by "of my anxiety." I knew that I was in control of that, but the other stresses of life? I wasn't so sure.

I've always had trouble dealing with other things, but thanks to her and our sessions, those aren't issues anymore. Sure there are still problems, but not like before. I know what I want, I know what I don't want, and I have a better grip on how to do those things or to ensure that I don't do them. I've probably confused you, but I know what I mean.

Life is good, y'all. I'm doing my best to enjoy everything, to stand up for myself when needed, to be happy, and to be anxiety-free because these moments will turn into memories before long. When I look back, I want to remember all the good, all the growing up I've done, everything I've done for myself, and know that I did what was best for me.