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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I Still Want to Fight

This morning, I was to the point of giving up completely. All I had to do was get up and take Bartley, my dog, to the groomer's. It took an hour to get out of bed, which made us really late for his appointment. I thought to myself, "If I can't get take him to the groomer's, how am I supposed to do anything? Go to work? Go to school? Just getting out of bed is extremely difficult."

I want to cry. It's heartbreaking to think that I was finally on solid ground, controlling my anxiety, and all of a sudden, POOF! The control slipped away, seemingly lost from my grasp forever. All day, I've been agonizing over a plan of action. I always think things through and plan things out, but I couldn't come up with a single strategy to solving my problems. My old techniques no longer work. I can't take deep breaths and relax. Relaxation, at this point, is completely foreign. I can't count to ease the mental anguish. I can't distract myself by focusing on something else. I can't believe in myself when I'm giving myself a pep talk. Nothing is working.

So my mind has be rummaging around trying to think of a solution. I began to google different phrases about anxiety to see what popped up. There's not really a community out there, waiting for those with anxiety to join and feel like they aren't alone. There are publications from doctors and sites to help others better understand the disorder but nothing for those of us who suffer to speak with one another.

Anyways, I landed here. Her story sounded so similar to mine back in Fall of 2010 and Spring of 2011. While I was reading it, I realized something. Those fears that appeared to be gone? They were simply lying around in the back of my head dormant, waiting for an opportunity to come out and play. Waiting for me to become just stressed enough to have an impact on me. Fears of

Anxiety (yes, I am nervous about being nervous)

The list could continue, but I'll stop. While talking with someone last night, I realized that anxiety is a lifelong problem. I'm never going to get rid of it. There's no magical potion to seal it in a vault where it can never return. I knew this already, but it's different today. I'm going to have victories, but I'm going to have setbacks as well.

This is my first real setback since I began learning to control my anxiety back in 2011. Almost two years full of small victories is something I should be proud of. I'm not, but that's another post. I admit that when I started college, I was thrilled that I was sitting in a classroom again. It meant so much to have come so far. I never expected a setback, though. I think that's a large reason why it has hit so hard so fast. I was an unsuspecting victim.

Some of you may know, some of you may not, but it is so hard to deal with feeling helpless again. So hard to deal with feeling like I'm back at square one. So hard to accept that it's back. It's so freaking hard to realize that that battle is far from over. That it will never be over.

I still want to fight. I have to. I can't allow myself to do otherwise, especially after writing Don't Panic. I mean, what kind of person would I be to write something that is all about hope, in my eyes anyway, and then to give up on hope myself?

I've fallen in the pit of anxiety. I'm terrified of disappointing those around me. I'm terrified of going to school, of not going to school, and of failing there as well. It feels like my life is falling apart at its seams and I'm still at the brink of giving up. It reminds me of a post I wrote before school started. I didn't want to put myself through the terror and anxiety again. I found strength and fought that urge. I've been searching for that strength the past few days and I can't find it. I've trying being logical and reasonable, but my body and thoughts aren't allowing it.

I'm at a complete loss, but I still want to fight this.

If you've read all of that, thank you. I'm off to see my therapist and read it to her as well. Update to follow.

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