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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

A setback of sorts

It's happening again. Be prepared because you are about to get a snippet of what it's like to be in my mind while having a mild attack.

Okay, so as I said, it's happening again. I can feel the pit of my stomach wrench with each thought and the vomit edge closer to my mouth, waiting to be set free. My throat feels like it's closing and as if my air supply will be cut at any second.

School is starting soon and I'm freaking out! It's a new environment, and that always causes anxiety. Not to mention that I'm no longer feeling reassured by the fact that I'll be able to take my tests in a secluded area and such. I'm not feeling secure in the fact that my aunt will be a couple minutes away. The reality that I'm about to start college, even at a small community college, has brought me to tears with fright.

Here I thought everything would be different, because I felt prepared and one thought has set me spiraling. I'm honestly considering ditching it and finding an all online program. I really don't think I can do it and I don't see the point in trying.

But Lindsay, you'll meet new people?

Well, I meet new people every day at work. That's enough.


Oh god. I can't do this. I can not, under no circumstances go through the absolute hell that I experienced last year again. I'm just going to search for stuff online. I'll email my CC and tell them to forget it. I'm not going. If it's this bad already, how am I going to handle it when the time actually comes?

Orientation is the 25th, but class doesn't start until the 16th of August. How am I going to deal with all this freaking anxiety for that long? Plus, it's going to get worse as the time gets closer and closer.

I know that by what I've typed, I've already failed. I don't care, though. Nothing, not even trying, is worth going through that again. I just can't do it.

All my accomplishments over the past year have gone out the window. It doesn't matter anymore. How can it, when it doesn't affect my attacks?

I'm not going. I can't.


  1. You've told me before there's a cycle to your attacks. Can you wait till this one settles down a little before making any decisions? Sending positive thoughts your way!

  2. Have you tried counseling? Medications? You are too talented to hide your light under a bushel.

  3. I have therapy twice a month and I'm on medications as well.

    Thanks for y'alls support.

  4. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way! You have lots of support from the ba community!

  5. Breathe in and breathe out.Don't make decisions while your anxiety is high.Take this from someone who lost half a year of her life by being afraid to leave her house.
    I suggest you go to the college if you can and spend 5 minutes there...then each time increase the time you are there.Its tough not many people understand how crippling anxiety can be.
    If after you have calmed down or tried a week of it and still cant do it then either A. Drop a class or 2 or B re evaluate and do nonlinear courses.

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  7. I love you, kiddo. You are SO brave and strong for talking about this, and you have never failed. You are a massively talented woman with such an exciting future ahead of you. Hang in there. We're here for you!

  8. Keep your head up Lindsay. Every second, minute, hour, day, etc is a victory!

  9. Thanks Jess! That means a lot to me.

    Thanks for that reminder, Deanna!

  10. I'm amazed that you are so young and have already written multiple novels. That's a HUGE success story right there. Tackle each day, one at a time, and know you are not a failure!

  11. I am in awe of your bravery. Doing the thing that scares you, that's real courage. I hope you continue to prove to yourself just what you're made of, and I'm rooting you on every step of the way!


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