A setback of sorts

It's happening again. Be prepared because you are about to get a snippet of what it's like to be in my mind while having a mild attack.

Okay, so as I said, it's happening again. I can feel the pit of my stomach wrench with each thought and the vomit edge closer to my mouth, waiting to be set free. My throat feels like it's closing and as if my air supply will be cut at any second.

School is starting soon and I'm freaking out! It's a new environment, and that always causes anxiety. Not to mention that I'm no longer feeling reassured by the fact that I'll be able to take my tests in a secluded area and such. I'm not feeling secure in the fact that my aunt will be a couple minutes away. The reality that I'm about to start college, even at a small community college, has brought me to tears with fright.

Here I thought everything would be different, because I felt prepared and one thought has set me spiraling. I'm honestly considering ditching it and finding an all online program. I really don't think I can do it and I don't see the point in trying.

But Lindsay, you'll meet new people?

Well, I meet new people every day at work. That's enough.

Right?

Oh god. I can't do this. I can not, under no circumstances go through the absolute hell that I experienced last year again. I'm just going to search for stuff online. I'll email my CC and tell them to forget it. I'm not going. If it's this bad already, how am I going to handle it when the time actually comes?

Orientation is the 25th, but class doesn't start until the 16th of August. How am I going to deal with all this freaking anxiety for that long? Plus, it's going to get worse as the time gets closer and closer.

I know that by what I've typed, I've already failed. I don't care, though. Nothing, not even trying, is worth going through that again. I just can't do it.

All my accomplishments over the past year have gone out the window. It doesn't matter anymore. How can it, when it doesn't affect my attacks?

I'm not going. I can't.