I emailed that post to my therapist and I'm waiting to hear back from her. My attack ended shortly after that post, thank goodness. However, I'm still experiencing physical side effects from my anxiety over this problem.
Here's how I see it, now that I'm fully rational...or at least I think so. Once I started getting better, I promised myself that even if I knew that I could survive the attack, because I can do so, that I wouldn't put myself in situations that I knew would cause a severe attack. Even if I can get through it, I didn't want to have to experience the mental and physical effects that the attack would have on me. In my opinion, nothing is worth going through that.
Not new experiences. Not meeting new people. Not an education that would better my life, because I can find a way to get that without physically being at a school.
I know, I know. Having this level over anxiety is ridiculous, but that's how it works for me. I freak out over something most people have no trouble dealing with. Sure, it's normal to have a little anxiety about starting college, but not like what I am beginning to experience once more.
Something has changed. I'm not sure what triggered it, but it has happened. I used to see it as a test of sorts. It was me testing my limits and seeing how long I could last in a certain situation before I gave in to the anxiety and how that was a good thing. However, now it's like I don't care about that anymore.
I'm back to where I was a year ago. Where my MC in Don't Panic is right now. I just want it to stop and be over with. I want a quick, permanent fix, not a subtle fix that will last until the next one. I'm right back to feeling that if I don't 'have' to deal with it, that I shouldn't go through it.
Right now, in my eyes, college and being there physically is not a must. There are other options and right now, I want to take that other option. I don't want to go through these attacks again. It doesn't matter that I can survive them and tackle them. The mental angst is not worth it.
Sometimes, I feel like Emily and that y'all (and the other people in my life) are Jake. It's like no matter how good I do, there's always a setback that follows. There's always someone out there to support me through these tough times, but I feel like eventually, you will get tired of being that support. Just like Emily feels Jake will get tired of being the strong one of the two. Just like Emily feels that Jake will get tired of how she operates, so to speak, and will get fed up with the constant ups and downs. But that is how it is with a person with anxiety. We have ups and downs all the time. Sometimes, more often than not.
If people stop reading these posts and commenting words of encouragement, I'll understand completely. I guess that goes to show just how much like Emily I am. I rather deal with it alone than cause trouble to others. Even though, we both see that dealing with it alone is not always the right choice.
You aren't alone, and I don't want you to feel like we are pressuring you to do something scary, we just have hopes of a life for you without debilitating fear. The best way we know how is to encourage you, but obvs I'm not a professional or even knowledgeable other than what I learned from you, and I suspect your other friends are the same. You are right that people will come and go in your life, that's how it is for everyone. But closing yourself off in fear of that happening makes it harder for the next person to find you and support you. Life is a relay race of friends for most of us, and accepting that makes it less threatening somehow. Appreciate your bravery and openness, keep working on those baby steps, you're just too good to hide from the rest of the world, it needs people like you.
ReplyDeleteDeep breath! Okay... do it again. You'll get past this. In life in general there are always set backs. You battle through them and wait for the next. Take it one day at a time anxiety or not there will always be something. You will get through it all. Hang in there, girl! You got this! <3
ReplyDeleteI just read your original post about how starting at a new school caused an anxiety attack. I just want to say that you are not alone and I know you will get through this. I can totally relate because throughout my life I have had to move a lot. Not only across state lines but abroad, and have attended over 13 schools since kindergarten right up until college, in the US and outside the US.
ReplyDeleteAfter moving so much and going to new schools and new cities in and outside the states, being confronted with a different culture and language, anybody would think you get used to new things and the reality is that you don't. It also caused a lot of anxiety in me.
I remember that after earning my AA and transferring from the community college I was attending to the University where I got my BA, I was so panic stricken, and I remember just just looking around and being like "holy crap, this University campus is so much bigger than the CC I am going to, how am I gonna survive" but after some time, I eventually got used to it and now when I think of it, the campus wasn't as big and frightening as I made it in my head.
I don't think you should close yourself off, though. The best solution I think is time. You might feel anxiety and fear when being confronted with a new place or people but with time, you eventually will get used to it and it will pass.