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Monday, September 17, 2012

What to do?

Here are two entries to my diary that I want to share. Feel free to post your thoughts. Remember, this is how I felt at the moment I was writing and I'm a levelheaded rational person, but sometimes that doesn't always show. I do hope that I don't let anyone down in the end, when I make my decision. Also, please remember that by my doing this, it makes me extremely vulnerable.

Friday, Sept. 14 9:12 pm
...I don't feel like going to school or work. Probably not what's best though, but it's what I want to do. Just relax, write, and have no worries for a while. I don't know what to do anymore. What more can I do?

Everything that I forgot about while I was in the hospital is back and it just shows that it accomplished nothing to be there. I'm trying to think positive, but I just can't do it. IT's like I mentioned today. I'm not thinking much about the future. Just the here and now. Either one sucks.

It's as if nothing has meaning anymore and I've lost myself. I'm scared because I'm not sure I will be able to go back to that person. I'm not sure how to find that person or at least become stable. I've practically lost interest in everything I love except writing and hockey.

What am I supposed to do? How can I fix this?

Sunday, Sept. 16 9:30 pm
I don't want to return to school. The irrational part of me says to just not go. The rational side says go OR wait a semester to get my life together and then start. Part of me feels as if I'm not in the right state of mind to be attending school, especially when I'm still suicidal. Not as bad as before, but I'm still having thoughts and I don't know what to do anymore because I actually feel depressed now.


I'm so irritated because I don't feel myself or as if I'm in control of myself any longer. Again, it sucks. I don't know if I should try and go to school or not. I don't know what to fucking to and it's aggravating the shit out of me. How am I supposed to make a decision when I'm so fucking indecisive? No wonder guys always quit talking to me. I'm fucking annoying. I wouldn't talk to me.

What am I supposed to do when no one, including myself, understands. I don't even want to talk about it because I don't want to go back to the hospital. What am I supposed to do when I won't kill myself, make a decision, or talk to someone about it? Part of me wants to talk to Dad because I know he will get it since he battled it, but I'm not doing that.

Nothing is happening like I thought. College was supposed to be a fresh start and yet everything is taking a turn for the worst. Maybe I was just meant to be a homebody and write and read for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm not special and not meant to do great things, even if they are small accomplishments.

I'm just fucked.

Sad thing is, I'm completely rational right now and things still aren't making sense! My goals and dreams seem completely irrelevant right now. All I want is one fucking day of inner peace. One day. That's all I ask, but apparently that's too much to ask for. I realize that everyone has their problems, but mine are freaking relentless. They never stop and I feel like I'm having to relearn how to deal with simple shit.

All I want to do is cry, but my own body is rebelling against me. WTF?! I hate this. Why is this happening to me? Not that I wish this on someone else, but damn did it have to be me? It's as if I'm being stripped of everything I love and now, I have nothing left.


Monday, Sept. 17 3 pm
I didn't go to my first class today. For two reasons: 1. My meds have been making me super sleepy and I could barely hold my eyes open this morning and 2. I just didn't feel like going.

After reading over my previous entries, I realize that I sound like a whining baby. It's time to suck it up and deal with this shit. And by deal, I mean take a semester off. Mom shouldn't think that's completely unreasonable, right? I mean, I've been going pretty much nonstop since I was 5. AND my brother doesn't go to school regularly either. All I want is to take a semester off. I want to get my shit together, get some books read and written. That's it. I can save up some money by working and ta-da.

Now, I just have to mention this to her...

Yeah, I'm scared. It's not like the smart kid in the family to just up and drop out of college for a semester on their first year. I shouldn't have to do this, but I feel the incessant need to do so. Not to mention the fact that I won't be able to get into the doc to change my meds AGAIN until next Thursday. What am I going to do until then? I can't keep missing school.

Part of me feels like I should be able to make decisions on my own and not be judged by my family. Well, they don't really judge me, I guess, but their little comments don't help either. Okay, I'm signing off. I have some serious thinking to do.

End of entries.
So? What do you think of my ramblings? Do I need to be committed or am I just a sane girl going through normal things?

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