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Friday, September 28, 2012

I Told You So

If y'all know anything about my relationship with my dad, it should be that whenever he is sober, I always say that it'll only last for about six months to a year. Well, Dad has or was about to reach his one year mark and decides to fuck it up.

I hate that I was right, but it just goes to show that that is how he is and how he always will be.

An alcoholic.

Here's what happened:

I had my first suspicion the other day when I went and he offered to get me something to drink and throw something away for me before I could get the chance. Then today, I went over to print some things off because he has my printer and he wasn't home.

My poor Bartley. His pen clearly hadn't been cleaned out for a couple of days and he was out of water. He drank like he hadn't had it in a couple of days. Yeah, I was pissed and still am.

So, upon seeing that, I checked the fridge and sure enough there were two cases of beer in the fridge. I don't care what you want to call what makes him do this. Here's the way I look at it: If he can survive a year, he can survive two years, three, four, and so on. His problem is that when the going gets rough, he gives up.

It pisses me off. I no longer have sympathy for what he is going through. That may sound harsh, but listen to this. He suffers from anxiety, which is a major problem and his solution is drinking, which gets him depressed. I have anxiety and if I'm strong enough to get through it, not only for me, but for my family as well, then I'll be damned if he can't too.

He may love me, as he says he does. I may believe that, but don't think I'm don't think that if he loved us as much as he says he does, he would truly change. For a lifetime. Not a year or so and then go back to the dad I grew up with.

The dad that when I think of my childhood, I see a man -drunk- sitting in a recliner watching TV with no concerns for anyone else around. The dad that never played with his children, never helped with homework, never participated in their lives.

I'm in no way complaining about the lack of a father that this man is. I'm simply stating facts. In fact, I'm glad he was that way because it taught me to be as independent as I am today. It taught me to stay away from alcohol. It is a part of what makes me who I am today.

There you have it. My dad is back to being an alcoholic, once more. All I have to say, and Dad, I hope you're reading this, is good luck with your life. I wish you the best because I will not be apart of that any longer. I refuse to put myself in the situation that where you are involved because you are 52. If you haven't changed by now, I doubt you will. You've lost your only daughter and I'm sure when the others have found out, you'll lose them too. We are sick and tired of trying to be there for you when you clearly don't want the help. You are on your own.

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