Truth Is...

As I lay in bed, trying to go to sleep, I realize that's the source of my problems lately. I'm focused on everyone besides myself. I'm going back to my roots. That's where I want to be.

When writing was for me. An escape route that lead me away from my life and into the world of an altered imaginary life. It isn't always pretty because I don't expect that from life, but there was so much undeniable love that I always wanted to be there. Jake and Emily are a product of that. I was in a world where I didn't care whether people liked my work or not. It wasn't work for me. It was an addiction that starved my anxiety.

Now, it is work. It's a career that I'm making.

But that means changes will occur. You know what? I'm not like most authors. I'm not naturally witty. I'm not truly writing because I love it. I write because I need to submerse myself into the habitat of these creatures that I've created in my head. I write because it's for me.

What does all of that gibberish mean?

It means that I'm returning to a time when I wrote because I needed to. When I wrote like no one would ever lay eyes on my work and criticize it, good or bad. Writing is my career now and I've gained supporters and fans along the way. Sure, I've gained a few people who will never read what I've written again because they hated it so much.

But the truth of the matter is, what I write are my fantasies coming to life. They don't always make sense. The people can be annoying. It may be a little predictable. However, they are my daydreams. They are meant to satisfy me. They are meant to make me happy.

Don't get me wrong. I love that my books make other people happy. I really do. For right now though, I need to be selfish. It's okay if you don't like the fact that my readers play no part in my writing process and such. That's been my problem. Why I took a break. Because I was thinking of how to make my writing good enough for my fans.

I shouldn't refer to it as a problem, I guess. For how I work, it is though. I have to write something that I'm satisfied with. That I love even with all of its flaws and nonsense. That doesn't mean that what I've written so far doesn't satisfy me. It does, but the "will my fans like this?" part has got to stop.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone. I'm sorry if this made no sense at all. I just want y'all to know that I have to be me and that means writing what I daydream, even if it's too fast paced, too messy, too much of something that has you annoyed with my characters and/or my writing. I can't believe that I'm basically admitting that I have to be entirely selfish just to be able to write and be happy doing it.